Young Writers Society

Cornelius, relax.
I'm a non-smoker. I'm also perfectly aware that I might drop dead as soon as I post this. That does not change the fact that cigarette smoke is bad for you. I think your post might be better suited to the debate forum than to a review.

Now, onto the poem itself: I think I understand the message you're trying to convey, but I don't feel like you succeed at making the reader feel it. As it is, I think everything in here is pretty generic. If this is intended to be a plea to a specific person to quit, I would include specific examples of their behavior; where do they sit while they smoke? what emotional stake does the narrator have/what is the narrator's relationship to the smoker?

You've got good subject matter, but you need to move on; graduate from generic statements to more specific, detailed ones.

"I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.

How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready?

Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight.

See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung-it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations. We live in such a weird culture, man.

Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead?

"I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now."

What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears. I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes. Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial!

I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead. Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other. "One day that life is going to get to you, Yul."

They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.

People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!

I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"

----Another dead hero.

This was short and to the point but it was very powerful. Yeah I agree with anyone who says smoking is just a nasty death sentence. Well anyways great poem.

Hmm... good message, but you could have said it better. More poetically maybe? Ehh? *nudge*

Ehem.
"You know your killing yourself,"
"Your" should be "you're".

Umm so yeah. This was kind of... simple. I think it needs more. There's definitely potential though. Keep working on it.

--Quippie.

Hmm. Yes, smoking is bad...do say it simply and from facebook and random t-shirts: there are cooler ways to die.

But, I think this may have been a little short and danced around things, sort of. I have a severe hatred for poems adressed to 'you', though I have no idea why. Maybe a 'she' or 'he' would do better than a 'you'? Also, there is no real imagery or anything here so it's a little dry.

I've said it before, I didn't lie
quit smoking before you die.

nice job. i really like the message this poem sends (duh). there's this girl in my chorus who is reeeally really pretty and she's a senior and she smokes so the whole chorus is trying to get her to stop. After the first line, you should have a comma, not a period. In the third line, i would suggest (although this isn't necessary) to "It takes your life away slowly" or even something more colorful, for example, "Each puff drains you of another breath" or "It sucks the life out of your lungs", just to clarify. In the first line of the second stanza, it should be "you're" or "you are", not "your". Also, i was unclear on what is unfair? i like the "life is not a joke part" though. There isn't anything wrong with the last stanza, it's just not outstanding. I think in this poem you really want something that pops, that the reader can see and just say "wow". You could leave it like this or you could change it or add another stanza after it. All in all, I think this is a very good poem.

I really like this because I can't stand smokers niether lol

Really short and to the point love it!!

Fitz

you definately hit the mark with this one. Short but to the point. I cant find any mistakes, i really like this.

kim

Yeah, I don't like smoking either.